There is grace in the grey area. I have been pondering the idea of the soul process and the silly judgments I place on my experience as I move through trials. Is this God’s will or mine? What I found is, at my core, there is no difference. My will, in the purest form, IS God’s will. We somehow have this idea that we are separate from divinity. I have found that this is just another way for my ego to “protect” me from vulnerability. If I am already unworthy and separate from God then I don’t have to be who I really am. I get to stay isolated and afraid. Driven by a hundred forms of fear, I believe the lie – It is either black or white; me or God.
Sitting in the grey area, not judging and not trying to “figure” everything out is the essence of surrender. A dear friend reminded me that I forget: even my worst mistakes have brought me to this moment.
I think confusion is part of God saying: “Hey, it’s ok not to know, maybe just go deeper in the discomfort and invite me there.” And as the big book reminds: “pause when agitated or doubtful and ask for the right action”.
Creating and allowing space for God is the most spiritual thing I can do. In Taoism, there is a simple practice of putting out an empty bowl as a symbol of not knowing and allowing space to be filled. Empty the space so that God can do what God does best.
Who am I to judge my process? It is my job to show up with my empty bowl and allow. Allow for God to fill it up and be grateful that I (again) get to learn how to love more and fear less. I have never shamed myself into a better me; it has always been through surrender and humility.
Mistakes are those detours that show us what is important. Our hearts are screaming for us to pay attention and in that humility, a space develops for God to do work. So, I sit here now with my heart cracked open and instead of judging my process I am just allowing space. This is not easy but it’s more honest than believing I am separate from all of creation.
“For a seed to achieve its greatest expression, it must come completely undone. The shell cracks, its insides come out and everything changes. To someone who doesn’t understand growth, it would look like complete destruction.” -Cynthia Occelli